Something to be gained



Symphony of Light by Florian Kehrer

I decided to actually write a somewhat personal blog. It's not something I do often, but sometimes I feel like sharing more than my art.

So. I was watching the episode of Oprah where Ellen was on, and she was talking about how after she came out on her show, she didn't work for three years. And she was depressed and going through a difficult time, but then she said that's when you really do your soul searching and kind of figure out who you are. It was really kind of inspirational for me, because I feel like that's where I am right now. And Ellen seems like such a genuinely loving and happy person now (I absolutely love her show), and I don't think she would be if she hadn't had that difficult time. (Yes, I am aware that this is a celebrity on television that I don't know. But I really think her happiness and love for people is sincere. You'd have to be pretty...ridiculous to fake that for so many years.)

Anyway. So here I am, coming out of a three and half year long relationship (off and on, but still), and I'm having to kind of start all over. I'm at a point where I have to do a lot of soul searching, myself, and sort of rebuild myself. I think I'm doing well so far. I started seeing a spiritual counselor. I've only seen her once, but so far it is really helping. She pointed out things that I wasn't even aware of about myself, and she's really helping me to figure out ways to get rid of the things that aren't working for me. Along those lines, I've been reading helpful spiritual books (first The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and now The Proof by James Twyman - my counselor let me borrow her autographed copy!), I've been practicing meditation and affirmations, and I've been doing my best to try to completely accept my emotions and thoughts, who I am, and what I'm going through right now. I know it's all an important part of my journey. Also, I've been keeping up with exercising, walking more outside now that it's slowly but surely getting warmer, hanging out with lots of supportive and loving friends and family, keeping myself incredibly busy with playwriting, music, and work, going to support other artists, etc. I'm still going through an extremely difficult time. Some moments, I feel like screaming. And there's a lot of anger and sadness and hurt. But I think this time, I am at least able to appreciate those things because I know they're teaching me something.

What I'm saying is, I know now that I am important and that I have a purpose. We all are. You are important. You're here for a reason. I'm here for a reason. And maybe I don't quite know it yet. I really hope that my purpose is to be someone's Billy Corgan, someone's Morrissey, someone's Radiohead, someone's Stephen Chbosky, someone's Sarah Ruhl. The songs that save someone else's life. To give someone else a moment of pure artistic magic, like so many artists have done for me.

I guess I wanted to share that for those of you who may be going through difficult times. It's important to keep in mind that there is always something to be gained in a situation. There's always something to be learned, an opportunity for growth. And I hope you won't forget that. I hope I won't forget it, either.

3 comments

  • Eto Demerzel

    Eto Demerzel

    Changes in the heart are hard to manage, but I am glad you are taking it as an opportunity to grow and to gain something from it. You may not have the audience the artists you mentioned have (yet), but your music at least (I have not had the pleasure to be in one of your theatrical work or in a live presentation of your music) has been inspirational and soul reaching for me. Thank you for sharing this with us, it is a very positive way to see life that can be useful for our lives as well.:agree:

    Changes in the heart are hard to manage, but I am glad you are taking it as an opportunity to grow and to gain something from it. You may not have the audience the artists you mentioned have (yet), but your music at least (I have not had the pleasure to be in one of your theatrical work or in a live presentation of your music) has been inspirational and soul reaching for me.
    Thank you for sharing this with us, it is a very positive way to see life that can be useful for our lives as well.agree

  • Sparkle

    Sparkle

    You have to know that you have been my Billy Corgan. If you ever doubt, remeber back to Cool Beans when you first sang "Denied and Doomed" and I slammed my hands on the table. I don't think I could have heard that song for the first time during a better time (well, maybe when Jim & I broke up, haha)! I know you will continue to have those moments and I hope that these moments spread across the world!:love::bawling::love:

    You have to know that you have been my Billy Corgan. If you ever doubt, remeber back to Cool Beans when you first sang "Denied and Doomed" and I slammed my hands on the table. I don't think I could have heard that song for the first time during a better time (well, maybe when Jim & I broke up, haha)!

    I know you will continue to have those moments and I hope that these moments spread across the world!lovebawlinglove

  • Sara Crawford

    Sara Crawford

    Thanks so much guys! That means so much to me. "You have to know that you have been my Billy Corgan." That brought a tear to my eye! And yes, I will always remember that time at Cool Beans. It's one of my absolute favorite moments as a musician :)

    Thanks so much guys! That means so much to me.

    "You have to know that you have been my Billy Corgan." That brought a tear to my eye! And yes, I will always remember that time at Cool Beans. It's one of my absolute favorite moments as a musician smile

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