Can't sleep - why I had to cancel the show.

Well, I had to cancel my Smith's show tonight.

I have endometriosis, which has pretty much given me hell over the past three or so years. So, last night I started having severe pelvic and abdominal pain. I didn’t get much sleep at all. And I woke up this morning throwing up because I was in so much pain. I couldn’t even stand up for longer than two minutes, I could barely move. So of course there was no way I was going to get through a 45-minute set in that condition. I assumed I had a ruptured ovarian cyst because last time I had pain this severe, it was due to ovarian cysts and this was so much worse. I went to the doctor, though, and the ultrasound was normal. She said it was probably just my endometriosis acting up, but she didn’t seem to have any solutions. I’m already on the Depo shot, which is supposed to help the condition, and it has. But in my experience, after being on the shot for about a year, I start having pain again. Last time that happened, I just went off of the shot for a few months, went back on, and that seemed to help. But now the pain is back and it’s so much more severe than it’s ever been. I’m going to another doctor on Monday or Tuesday that has more of a specialty in endometriosis. She’ll probably suggest going on a stronger shot (basically medically induced menopause) or surgery.

So I came home, took some low-dose pain medication, and some old nausea medicine we had lying around, and I passed out around 7. And now I’m awake and I can’t go back to sleep. As long as I stay lying or sitting down with the heating pad, the pain is at least tolerable enough to where I’m not crying or throwing up.

It’s just frustrating because there really is no cure for endometriosis, and any treatment that you do is only effective for around one to five years, depending on what it is. So I’m essentially going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life, and it doesn’t matter how much I exercise or how healthy I am. And I get the feeling that some doctors don’t believe that I'm in pain (even though my file clearly says I have endometriosis, which causes severe pain at times) and they just think I’m some young person trying to get pain medication. But it’s not just in my head. I’d never cancel a show if I was in any way, shape, or form capable of playing it.

I realize this is pretty “personal” stuff to be posting on the internet, but I guess I just wanted to explain why I had to cancel the show. And besides, my life is basically an open book. I put so much of myself in my songs, poems, and plays, which automatically makes you open, honest, and vulnerable. But I’ve always been really honest and open with anyone who cares to know about me. Sometimes it freaks people out, but I can’t be any different than who I am.

I guess it’s like that saying, “when it rains, it pours.” I’ve been going through so much emotional pain lately, and now there’s physical pain on top of that. But I have faith that things will turn around, that I’ll come out of it stronger and happier than I’ve ever been. And I have so much loving support from those around me. I was so touched by all of the messages I received today and how much my family was there for me. I can’t express my gratitude for all of the wonderful people that I have in my life.

I’m still scheduled to play a set next Friday, the 26th, opening for Wade in the Rhythm, one of my favorite local bands, at the new venue in Little Five Points, Hearth Atlanta. I’m really excited about that one. It will be my make-up show. Hehe. I’ll post more details about it. I’m just going to take it easy this week, go to the second doctor, do a lot of lying around with my heating pad, taking pain medication, and resting up. And hopefully, I’ll be in much better shape for the show on the 26th.

Just wanted to say thank you all so much for all of the support, prayers, thoughts, wishes, positive comments, etc. It really means a lot to me, and I’m so blessed to have so many loving people in my life.

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